| On Second Thought.... |
[Jun. 24th, 2005|06:59 pm] |
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Looks like it's all going to be very very good after all... |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 18th, 2005|10:19 pm] |
I could take every fucking word she says
Throw it in her face
but would she even care?
I still remember when she looked at me
that frown upon her face
Trying to be sincere
I gathered all those little things she said
Kept them close to me
Trying to make this real
This cloud will always hover over me
I'm leaving you today
'cause now I see
Suffocate, you suffocate
That you lie
That your fake
Suffocate, you suffocate
You always take
What you can
Cold-Suffocate
OK so I just got fucked over...and I don't even care that things didn't work out, I'm just pissed about the way it happened....how things changed so quickly..very good for like 5 days, then periodic phone calls and excuses not to hang out for like a week, to just flat out non-contact...I actually cared and went out of my way to help, only to be totally ignored and (assuming I believe what other people tell me) totally punk'd. Seriously...if everything I heard is true I went out of my way and invested my time/energy/feelings to help someone who had been lying to me from day 1....so I can write it off as her just being crazy, or really damn good at lying...and me being too trusting..or a combination of all 3...all I know is, I was fairly sure it wasn't supposed to work this way...I didn't think you were supposed to get shit on when you helped people..oh well, I lived and learned...now it's time to get luvs...on to bigger and better things... |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 27th, 2004|09:41 pm] |
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I feel I should update since my last entry was rather angry and I don't know how often I'll be updating this anymore...seems I only feel like doing so when things aren't going too well...oh well I'll try to do update more often but we'll see what happens...anyways a quick summary since last time...um everything seems to be falling back into place...tiff and I worked things out so um YAY...I raised my grades to where I sort of want them I guess...uh..had a kickass night last night with a bunch of WA ppl..and won a free game of bowling...oh and I'm in the process of writing a 15 page term paper in 3 days...today is day 2 and I'm on page 12 thanks to writing 8 pages and counting today..things are looking good...that's it for now...I'm sure I've missed quite a lot but I'm tired and want to get back to my paper...ok bye... |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 9th, 2004|11:37 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  angry | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Nickelback-Just For | ] |
I want to take his eyes out
Just for looking at you
Yes I do
I want to take his hands off
Just for touching you
Yes I do
And I want to rip his heart out
Just for hurting you
And I want to break his mind down
Yes I do
And I want to make him
Regret life since the day he met you
Yes I do
And I want to make him
Take back all that he took from you
Yes I do
And I want to rip his heart out
Just for hurting you
And I want to break his mind down
Yes I do
Those of you that know me know I don't get really angry often...In fact I've only been sincerely angry at 2 people ever before tonight...now we're up to 3...let me just say this...make fun of my personality or physical size all you want, but if God has any concern for the well being of this kid, He will make sure that we never meet face to face..
Right now anger is the only emotion I feel, other then pure helplessness...I know I'm doing all that I can but I just wish I could do more...For a split second I blamed myself, but I know better enough to know that's BS...so I'm left with anger and helplessness... |
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| Hooray for epiphanies! |
[Nov. 5th, 2004|01:52 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  calm | ] |
I know that it really isn't supposed to be this easy, but I woke up this morning feeling like shit and then suddenly something clicked on in my head...I think I can come to terms with everything now, and just let everything take it's course...as I've been told by a few people "it'll happen if it's meant to be"...well now I'm going to wait and see if that happens but stop thinking about it and stop pressing it...I was turining into a type of person I don't want to be, and I caught it...so onward I go... |
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| .... |
[Nov. 4th, 2004|03:02 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
| [ | music |
| | BNL-Just A Toy | ] |
So far the only high points of the day have been receiving my Red Sox World Series hats in the mail...and making a sales guy at the mall feel bad...It's actually probably not good I find this funny...he was selling perfume or something..I don't even know...I just know I made the mistake of making eye contact with him...Anyways, the conversation went as follows, starting with him:
"Hey man, you have a girl in your life?"
"Nope."
"No? Nobody? No sister, mother...?"
"No."
".....oh....sorry man."
At which point I thought to myself "yeah, being an only child and death are bitches..."
So yeah I was mildly amused by that but as I said before I'm not sure that's a good thing...
And with that, I'll leave you with some lyrics from the song listed above...
Look at my mouth, a thin painted line
Look at my limbs, bent up and bundled in twine
Forever, ever mine
Form of a tree, shape of a child
I wish I could cry, stuck in a permanent smile
Forever, ever mine
I know you must have loved me sometime
But now I'm just a toy... |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 27th, 2004|12:53 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  gloomy | ] |
It kills me to see you like this...I don't know why you are, and you won't tell me which is fine, your call...but it bothers me that I can't do anything to help you....that never used to be the case...I can only tell you that I still care although there's more to it than that...Be happy... |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 22nd, 2004|11:28 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  exhausted | ] |
| [ | music |
| | A Perfect Circle-Imagine | ] |
I just watched a pretty depressing episode of The Twilight Zone...I think it was supposed to be inspirational in the end, but it's still kinda depressing...It's about this professor at this prep school who has been teaching his entire life, thinks he'll be there for the rest of it, then gets fired because he's too old...He reflects on his life and decides he has wasted his life and not left his mark on the world at all, because he felt the poetry he taught was just forgotten by his students, who didn't care about it like he did...He then goes out to the cemetery to commit suicide, but just as he's about to pull the trigger the sound of class bells lure him to his old classroom. In the classroom he finds ghosts of past students, all who have died honorably or bravely because they were inspired by his poetry lessons...how sweet...then they all leave and he's all happy and feels accomplished and junk...I dunno just seeing that on my birthday and in my current "blah" state of being it makes me realized I haven't done shit in 20 years... but then I think that maybe I'm not really supposed to have yet..meh I dunno..just confused...tired as hell..going to bed at 2am, waking up at 4, 5, and 7 will do that I guess... |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 21st, 2004|10:25 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Smile Empty Soul-Who I Am | ] |
I was thinking earlier...not much else to do..and realized..I have been through worse shit in my life then this right now...why the hell does this feel like it hurts more than 3 years ago? I don't know it just bothers me...can't help the way I feel but..damn...I don't know...I guess right now I'm not as strong as I was before...or maybe that's only part of it...I'm definetly not the same person right now... |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 21st, 2004|01:04 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Yellowcard-Only One | ] |
Why is this happening? Why can't I just accept that I made a mistake that I'm not going to be able to fix, no matter how much I want to (which is probably more than I've ever wanted anything before)? Why can't I stop being a dick and making her feel bad because she knows I feel bad because of the whole situation? She has her own thing now...her own life with out me...she made one because I pushed her away and gave her no other option...There..I said it...now why the fuck can't I just suck it up and move on myself? Oh I know why...I don't want to! Yea, I know you can't always get what you want I see that pretty clearly and I've learned that more than once before...but fuck! It's more than just a want...For some reason that I can't explain to her or even myself anymore I pushed away the person who knows me better than anyone...a person who made me so happy that I'm equating them with my personal happiness...it's to the point where if I could redo anything in my short 20 years, it would be this summer...I wouldn't have let this happen...and there are some pretty strong candidates for an impossible oppurtunity like that...and then there's the fact that I got "not right now" for an answer...and I can't justify finding another relationship as suggested when down inside I know it wouldn't be what I wanted...but she can..she did..not her fault, like I said I made her...but now I'm just afraid that with that new relationship she used to "get over me quicker" that I'm going to lose her for good..that the "maybe later" will never come and I'll be left with nothing...Techincally you could say that's what I have now, but that's not true right now I'm clinging to the only thing I have left...hope...fuck...:-( |
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| What the hell am I going to do? |
[Oct. 18th, 2004|09:56 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | crushed | ] |
I'm not even sure anyone reads this anymore because I took the link out, but that's good...I just need to get all of this out somehow and figured this was a good place for it...
Maybe in a different light
You could see me stand on my own again
Cause now i can see
You were the antidote that got me by
Something strong like a drug that got me high
I never meant to be so cold...
-Crossfade, Cold
I’m half the man I used to me
This I feel as the dawn
-STP, Creep
I'm shellshocked
And ripped apart inside
No I'm not all right
You don't know what it's like
-Chronic Future, Shellshocked
I feel so alone
Again
I know that I need you
To help me make it through the night
And I pray that you believe in me
You gave me my strength to face another day aloneI need you now, my friend
More than you know
When will we meet again?
Cause I can't let go of you
This world brings me down
Again
I know that I need you
To help me make it through the night
And I know that you're the one for me
You gave me my strength to face another day alone
I need you now, my friend
More than you know - yeah yeah
When will we meet again?
Cause I can't let go, I can't let go
As time passes by
I find things never seem to change
When I feel alone
You bring me back to you
-12 Stones, Let Go |
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| Let the summer of Fairway and Wiffleball begin.... |
[May. 14th, 2004|05:50 pm] |
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so I'm home. and unpacked. and ready to live in Worcester for 3+ months with nothing at all to worry about...not like last year when I had to worry about buying enough crap for college and summer reading for accursed LS...nope, nothing at all..and it feels daaaaamn good. College didn't turn out to be so bad. Despite the rocky first semester, freshmen year turned out pretty good...and next year has the potential to be 100% better, so that will rock...before I go and crash on the couch for a little while, I feel the need to share my mcdonald's story....on the way home Dad and I stopped at a McDonald's on the Pike....I ordered a plain cheeseburger among other things, but the plain cheeseburger is the only important part...I get to our seat, and take out all the food...not only did the give me a free cheeseburger with all condiments on it, the other cheeseburger (the one I actually ordered) wasn't plain, despite having a receipt marking it so on it....McDonald's...what an establishment... |
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| And Still We Belive.... |
[May. 8th, 2004|12:01 am] |
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Just saw the Sox movie. It was pretty funny. They chose some interesting fans. The man known as Angry Bill might quite possibly be the funniest Sox fan ever...Overall the movie was good though....It had some cool clubhouse footage showing guys goofing off..but there was also this scence I found cool and painful after Game 7 of Wakefield crouching over and a group of guys patting his back telling him it wasn't his fault..Strange thing about the movie though..every opposing home run shown that hurt the Sox felt like it was just hit, and every run scoring play felt awesome...guess that's the way it is.... oh, and Eric Byrnes is still a douche and that may have been one of the funniest plays ever because he is...There was also a cool scene of Theo reacting to some New York media bashing...The movie covered a lot, but it did miss some aspects of the season, such as monstrous records shattered and Mueller winning the batting title one batting average point over Manny, but then again, this movie was supposed to be about fans and it was...one closing thought...one participating fan was lucky enough to get a Green Monster seat last season, and the camera followed him..those things look fucking sick! And with that, I leave... |
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| Almost done... |
[May. 6th, 2004|06:26 pm] |
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with year 1...hooray...spending a long weekend home in Worcester, then back Sunday night to take of the last few things at school and then to move out...then the summer is going to be spent at Fairway...big surprise there...that's pretty much all that's going on for a while..that, and I (along with every student that took MB107) got a nasty email from the coordinator, saying he will not hear grade appeals..so B it is..I can only imagine what the rest of my team is thinking right now...probably isn't very pleasant...anyways, I'm off... |
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| At long last, the executive presentation comes.... |
[Apr. 30th, 2004|10:12 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | disappointed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Jet-Move On | ] |
I've been up for 3 1/2 hours and the major part of my day is already done. Today was the presentation so let's begin the play by play because maybe ranting will make me feel better about it. First I wake up, get ready, and dash to Media Services to try to comminicate to the secretary some part Karden said we need last night at like 1030...after talking to a tech we mutally gave up trying to figure out what we were talking about, and so I met everyone to drive to the hotel where the presentations were. Next, let it be noted that we parked in front of a restaurant that had a sign that read (and I swear this is true, I read it three times and other people did too): "Penis for breakfast lunch and dinner". When we came out they had fixed it, but it was funny and seemed to lighten people up. For the most part nobody really seemed nervous and that was awesome. So we go in the room, set up, sit down and begin. The first exec introduces himself as being from Bergen county, the exact county where our plan takes place. So that potentially could have sucked. So we go down the line of execs, and begin. The presentation rocked. Everyone was on, and if there was any nervousness or stumbling it was quickly overcome. Smooth sailing. I was even relatively pleased with how I did. We get to the Q & A and they asked everything we had prepared for, and we nailed them. Anything they asked we were all over like flies on shit, and we picked eachother up too when necessary, carrying on what they said. We walked out of that room with such a good feeling, we expected a B+ and our coaches went so far as to expect A-. Feeling good about ourselves, we go back in after they had talked about our grade, and they start off by going down the line praising us like crazy. We really had them. As they went on, they pointed out a few things here and there, but nothing really that serious, so we thought. Then, with a big proud look on their face, they gave us our grade of a B. Nobody moved, but you could feel the collective wind getting knocked out of our sails. Basically we decided that the execs felt a B was higher than we felt it was. So right now I feel both accomplished and ripshit. But to sum it all up. as Karden said to someone earlier, "We were good. They thought we were good. We got a B." And that's that. There's talk of showing the video to some actual Business department folk, in sort of a grade appeal, but we'll see how that goes...but for now, we got a B...and with that lovely rant/account of my activities thus far, I leave... |
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| Updating because I have time to kill... |
[Apr. 21st, 2004|03:18 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  discontent | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Mark Collie-In Time | ] |
...So looking back on it, last weekend was pretty good. The concert Friday was interesting..concert good, crowd bad...I guess that's what happens during all ages shows..man..12 year olds are getting pretty slutty...I'm fairly sure people my age weren't like that at 12...Yea, I know that makes me sound old but seriously we're gonna have a country full of whores...Anyways, Saturday I saw Punisher, which was highly entertaining...It wasn't what I expected but it was pretty funny...plus, there's a great scene which uses the song I listed above...and now that I see the movie I understand why that song is on the soundtrack...because as great as the soundtrack is, this last song just seemed out of place but now I understand...Let's see in sports Sox beat the Yankees 3 games to 1, which was awesome, especially taking into consideration game 4 was nice and close...on the other hand, Celtics are currently down 2 games to none, and the Bruins..well...yea you know what happened there...Pats signed Corey Dillon..that is very good...Win 2 of 3 Superbowls with an average running back, and then they add a nasty one...Things are looking good for them at least......Up to today...Lots of long term work to worry about, but none of that bugs me as much as the fact that despite all of my efforts to fix my computer since Friday (Norton Disk Doctor being the most recent failure), I am going to have to bite the bullet and reformat...but first, I need to make this damn external hard drive work so I can back shit up...so as soon as I get back from class I'm calling the company that made it and yelling at them..should be fun..and maybe with some luck, I'll be able to back stuff up tonight, reformat while I sleep, and have everything back up and running by tomorrow night...but who knows...ok that's more than enough rambling for now... |
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| Pre-Weekend Entry |
[Apr. 15th, 2004|11:06 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  excited | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Tantric-Hey Now | ] |
I randomly felt like updating...I've got nothing else to do. So this weekend is full of stuff: first and foremost, Sox/Yanks four game series starts tomorrow. Can't wait. It'll be much more intense then all of these goddamn extra inning games with the O's (as of now I am currently in the dark as to what's going on tonight, last I heard Arroyo was getting raped in the 11th). Hopefully the Sox will pull this one out. Also in sports, the B's will try to put away the Canadiens in game 6 and move on in the playoffs. Movie wise, both Kill Bill Vol. 2 and Punisher come out, which if I include Hellboy, begin the season where there are TONS of movies that I want to see, which become expensive and time consuming endeavours...Thankfully, one month from today I will be back home for good with nothing to worry about...Speaking of Worcester, I'm heading there this weekend, where I will see Switchfoot at the Palladium tomorrow night....well, now I have to try to get myself to sleep (waking up at 715 for class was heaven in high school, but very very difficult in college)...so off I go... |
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| ARGH!!!! |
[Apr. 12th, 2004|01:02 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | angry | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Chevelle-The Red | ] |
So I just called the cable company for the third time about the MLB Extra Innings package...First time was to see if the $150 was a flat fee..it is...second time to see if I could buy it, then get it back without resubscribing when I resume my service this fall...that lady told me to call back when some manager guy was in...so I did that just now..and didn't even get to the manager guy because the new lady I talked to shot me down instantly...so no Sox for me on a regular basis until I go home in just over a month...sonofabitch....Really pissed about that, but thinking that I'd be home in a month just made me realize how quick this year went...wow...ok that's about as deep as my thought process currently goes... |
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